[SATIRE] Scientists Have Found Cause of All Cancers.


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In a stunning new study released yesterday, Doctors have now found the single largest component to cancers of all kinds!

 

Berkley, CA—In the largest international study of its kind, spanning six thousand years and over 100 billion subjects from all gender and age categories, doctors and scientists have now definitively proven that a common everyday element is responsible for all currently known and likely, unknown, forms of cancer.

“Once all the data was in and painstakingly analyzed, it was obvious that this one compound was responsible for the cancers that have ravaged humanity for so long.  We can count this day as the single most important day in human health history!” exclaims Dr. Bernard Simpson, M.D., a leading international oncologist and dermatologist.

 

“It’s difficult to imagine that this was missed for so long,” continues Dr. Simpson, “but that’s why we use stringent university based scientific studies.  We must continue to have studies just like these, so that the medical Gold Standard can continue to preserve the health of humanity as effectively as this new information will currently help doctors to do.”

The compound found to create the cancerous effects is known simply as O2.  O2 can enter the body in many different ways, through the skin, eyes, mouth, nose, ears, hair and even the anus.  Once its enters the bloodstream it goes to work causing literally thousands of biological and physiological effects.  Even though many, if not most, of the effects were found to be necessary for life, it is the 1 chance in 143,768,578,219,057 (1 in 143.7 trillion)of creating cancer that has caused scientists and doctors worldwide to proclaim the dangers of this deadly compound.

“O2, also known as oxygen, actually gives life to these cancer cells.  It is imperative that the worldwide population protect themselves from this potentially deadly gas immediately,” says Dr. Richard Crazegose the leading researcher in this new study.

Gesturing to a group of cancer riddled patients currently undergoing chemotherapy treatments, many of whom had seared flesh from radiation treatments and severe nausea; but still apparently enjoying a Baskin-Robbins ice cream, he said, “or everyone will likely end up in the horrendous condition that these brave cancer victims find themselves.”

Astra-Zenica, a leading pharmaceutical and philanthropic corporation has stepped up to the plate with its exciting new drug just released today.  Called OxyScreen it contains a potent medicine when applied to the skin blocks up to 96.4% of O2.

“Thank God for Astra-Zenica and the FDA’s new fast track approval for emerging new medications,” said Dr. Crazegose.  He went on to say that when properly applied to every pore of the body, OxyScreen is very effective in blocking entry of the dangerous cancer causing agent known as O2.

Due to the fact that at least six billion people need to have protection against this element, Astra-Zenica will make this new drug available Over-The-Counter.

Dr. Crazegose also said to look for a Sufficient Protection Factor (SPF) of 391,613 on any OxyScreen you plan to purchase. He assured everyone that by applying it liberally to every surface and pore of your body with a high enough SPF that it would provide adequate protect against O2.  However, since O2 is a caustic agent you should reapply every fifteen minutes.

Listed as possible side effects, such as death, asphyxiation, turning an interesting blue color, complete and permanent loss of all brain function, instantaneous obesity, heart attack, stroke, extreme paranoid hallucinations and possible violent psychotic behavior, Dr. Crazegose went on to say that it was obvious that the benefits of this new drug greatly outweighed the risks.

“All one has to do to protect themselves from the possible side effects is to use these new home medical oxygen tents for just 15 minutes a day. That’s really all the O2 your body needs to be healthy.  More than that and you stand the risk of cancer. Any other side effects, like violent psychotic behavior can easily be handled with the newest psychotropic medications that Astra-Zenica graciously now offers.  In fact, you might find some OTC versions right next to the OxyScreen.

 

Let your doctor know immediately if you experience any of these side effects, like death, immediately.  He or she is there to help you”, assures Dr. Crazegose.

Astra-Zenca, in a press release today, has stated that they are currently in development for a thin membrane called OxyPatch that can be applied to the eyes, ears, nose, mouth, anus and vagina to further protect against the life-threatening O2.  Until its release, doctors are warning patients to cover from head to toe in plastic clothing, including a plastic garment that fits snugly over the head. Remotely possible side effects are the same as OxyScreen.

In an effort to perpetuate ethical standards in university studies, Astra Zenica has disclosed that 14 not-for–profit organizations that they established were the sole contributors of the 35.9 trillion dollars used to fund this epic and humanitarian study.

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Of course, the preceding is merely satirical.  It is designed to illustrate how the media and news services are used to market products and medications to the public through very official and authoritative means.  As summer approaches millions of people will be slathering on tens of thousands of lbs. of sun screen.  Many studies are now showing that people who live in sunnier locations DO NOT experience higher amounts of melanomas. As well, studies are coming out that show how beneficial sunlight is for optimal health. So why do so many use sunscreen, especially when most of the chemicals found in them are extremely carcinogenic and dangerous endocrine disrupters in themselves?  Why would you want to put chemicals into your children’s blood stream that blocked hormones that are responsible for proper growth, cognitive and sexual development? Much of it has to do with bogus science over forty years ago that was used to con medical doctors into believing that a natural tan is damaging to the skin, and the direct cause of melanomas.  These studies have often been funded by “non-profit” organizations that have ties to the manufacturers of these lotions and dermatological treatments.  We cannot believe what we hear on any media source, whether television, radio, newspaper, internet or magazine as these sources are used to promote junk science that is really nothing more than a clever and deceptive marketing campaign.

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